A Homophobic Photo Series
Just because I am out as a queer femme, doesn’t mean I give a shit about how someone feels about it. Just because I don’t give a shit about how someone feels about it, doesn’t mean I can’t laugh my ass off at their reaction. And holy poo on a stick, have I had some mint reactions. Like, I wish, at the moment I came out to people, I had a camera to capture the magic that is insidious homophobia, written all over their damn faces.
Here are some of my favourites:
THE “FUCK. WE’VE UNDRESSED AT THE GYM TOGETHER. NOW SHE’S GOING TO INVITE ME TO THE BATHHOUSE” FACE.
These people need to chill the hell out. I have no interest bending straight people. As the saying goes “het people are like spaghetti noodles: straight until you get them wet.” But they can do that in their own time. I have shit to do.
THE “OOOOH. SO HOW DOES THAT WORK?” FACE.
I once had some asshole cis-gendered het ask me how “muffin bumping” worked after he found out I was queer. His wife was beside them. They both looked intrigued and desperate for after-hours material. Look it up. That’s what Google is for.
THE “LOOK COOL. YOU’RE TOTALLY PROGRESSIVE. YOU GOT THIS. YOU HAVE GAY FRIENDS. YOU WATCH ELLEN DEGENERES AND WEAR ASYMMETRICAL HAIRCUTS” FACE.
Honestly this one is my all-time favourite face of them all. The slight facial twitches. The plastic smile. The higher-pitched voice. The unwanted shoulder bumps. Sometimes I want to pat these people on the back and ask if they want to process it all somewhere in private.
As a gift to all of these lovely homophobes, I present a video my queer family made, which asks the question “What would happen if straight people were expected to come out?”
I hope it helps you laugh as hard as we did making it. I hope you are laughing, wherever you are, inside or outside the closet.
Catherine Hernandez
Catherine Hernandez is playwright, performer and award-winning author. She is the author of M is for Mustache: A Pride ABC Book (Flamingo Rampant) and Scarborough (Arsenal Pulp Press). She is the Artistic Director of b current performing arts.