photo by Tanja-Tiziana, doublecrossed.ca
As you may or may not have seen on the internet, I posed for the brilliant Tanja Tiziana for NOW Magazine’s 3rd annual Love Your Body Issue. This is the much anticipated January issue featuring ten Torontonians who bare all in front of the camera; each one with a beautiful story behind the love of their own bodies. I could tell you that it was easy. I could tell you that thanks to my innate confidence, I got buck and savoured every minute. But that would be a lie.
I admit I have a lot of internalized fat phobia thanks to loved ones patting my teenage belly and telling me to not let myself go; thanks to ex-partners slapping my wrist while reaching for a box of chocolates because they didn’t want a fat girlfriend; thanks to working on film sets and wardrobe folks telling me that I had to limit my visits to the craft services truck if I wanted to be as successful as my fellow cast members.
In all honesty, on the day of the photo shoot, this ex-anorexic did this instead:
I did all the mental gymnastics needed to not starve myself before seeing Tanja
I danced in front of a mirror naked and admired the chunk and the jiggle
I ate well, chewing each bite intentionally
Once Tanja began showing me the playback of the day’s shots, I breathed deeply and kept saying to myself “That’s right, Hernandez. That’s your body right there. And it is fine as fuck.”
In honour and celebration of this personal feat, I am giving to you all as a gift this list of things you can do instead of losing weight in the new year. Remember that 2016 was a shit storm of a year and unveiled the deepest depths of evil that lie within each and every one of us. 2017 is our chance to change the patterns that destroy us. It is our chance to rebuild our communities and our humanity. Let’s start with our own bodies. Let’s make our bodies the site of rebellion.
1. EAT WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, WHATEVER MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD AND SATIETED.
Know that you are entitled to eat good food and drink clean water. All of this is a human right. I have to remind myself, most especially as a brown woman, that I am giving my body what it needs and wants. I deserve to replenish myself. I deserve to eat my celebration food, my waking up food, my PMS food, my mourning food. More importantly, I deserve to feed my body as I would a plant, lots of fluids to be strong and ready to fight the bullshit. In so many communities around the world, water is such a strong tool of genocide. Me drinking water – as is any kind of self care – is a radical act against a world that seeks to shut my body down.
2. LOVE YOUR BODY FOR WHAT IT IS AND NOT HOW IT PRODUCES
I can’t fucking stand it when people say shit like “You created a child. Be proud of those stretch marks.” Shut the hell up. That’s the same kind of bullshit around men saying things like “Rape culture is wrong because every woman is someone’s mother, someone’s daughter.” For reals, fuck off with that shit. While I am proud of the fact that I birthed my amazing daughter, my body is so much more than a baby machine, just like I am so much more than someone’s mother, someone’s daughter. Just sitting here on my ass writing this article, I am gold at the end of the goddamn rainbow. I don’t need to do anything, I don’t need to produce anything to be worthy of love. I am a motherfucking miracle.
3. WRITE LOVE LETTTERS TO YOUR BODY
During my most acute stage of withdrawal from Topical Steroids and Adrenal Fatigue, I wrote love letters to my body. I took this seriously as I knew it was all I could do to keep myself from hating the body I thought had betrayed me with chronic illness. I chose actual coloured letterhead. I wrote each one like a ritual using a marker. I told my body I was sorry for pushing it so hard. I told my body how thankful I was for running from rape, from walking away from abuse. I told my body I was going to love it unconditionally no matter how many times the chronic illness would return.
4. DATE YOUR BODY
Imagine you’re in this dead end relationship. You move through life just living with and looking at this other person. You’ve forgotten the magic. You’ve forgotten to date each other. Same goes with your own body. I often think of my body as someone who has let me down, has disappointed me. In the last while, though, I have taken the time to woo my body back to me, so that we are in partnership again, realising all the dreams we want to come true. What actions would you take to woo your body back? Take them out to a nice dinner? Give them a massage? Respect their boundaries of what it can or cannot do? Make sweet love to it (yes, I mean masturbation)? Give your body the romance it deserves.
5. DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT, WHATEVER MAKES YOUR BODY FEEL GOOD AND SATISFIED
Want to join a boxing class to learn to kick ass? Do it.
Want to have lots of consensual sex with wonderful people? Do it.
Want to learn a new language? Do it.
Want to commit to a yoga practice that also honours fat and racialized bodies? Do it.
Or do nothing. Even reading this article, you are gold at the end of the goddamn rainbow. You are a motherfucking miracle.
Catherine Hernandez
Catherine Hernandez is playwright, performer and award-winning author. She is the author of M is for Mustache: A Pride ABC Book (Flamingo Rampant) and Scarborough (Arsenal Pulp Press). She is the Artistic Director of b current performing arts.
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Thank you for reminding me….I am a fucking miracle and if others can’t see that, they don’t fucking need to be in my life! You are FANTASTIC!
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So courageous! What a special gift you have given us women! Thank you for being vulnerable and real xo!
All my life I have heard “if you lost 10lbs you would be beautiful.” Or, “you look great, but 10 more lbs and you will be a knock out.” I listened every time and internalized the judgment of my then partner. Even when I lost so much weight right before my wedding, which was impossible to keep off, my then to be husband said “your almost there, I can see your collar bone.” OMG. But all I heard was I still was not enough. I have had a life time of not being enough.
This post just kicked my ass in the most fabulous way. Thank you Catherine, you are a rock star. And in reply to Mary – I’ve been told the same shit my whole life, ‘you have such a pretty face, if you just lost the weight, you’d be gorgeous’. FUCK. THAT. SHIT. Only taken me 47 years but fuck that shit. We are all goddam miracles and need to remind ourselves every day, sometimes multiple
Times a day. And we are enough, right now, right this very second, we are enough. ❤
Also, wear clothes that fit you. You’ll look and feel better than if you’re squished or swamped by your clothes.
How dumb. Give most plants too much water or vitamins and something will go wrong. Eat what makes you feel good, but unless it’s vegetables or water, then moderation should be observed.
Seriously, not everyone with an opinion should post bs.
i love this article & i hate to b a stickler but i would just add that part of loving ur body is feeling/being healthy. if u eat whatever the fuck u want or dont eat and then u feel like shit, u take away from ur quality of life and u harm ur body/self. sssooo take care of ur body. eat right eat healthy and move 🙂 i believe this is real love & what the body really wants. splurging comes from the ego/mind. not the body which is also valid but no extremes either way.
I love you, my beautiful sister. You make me so proud, every single day!
Xoxox CD
Love you sis!!! I am proud of the life you have made for yourself and the beautiful body you live in.
Amazing! Wow! I want to print out your piece so that I can be reminded of all of this all the time. Thank you, Catherine!!!
Just beautiful! Thank you
Right on!
Incredible! Thank you for reminding me who I am, and if not now, at 70, when? Ase, Ase, Ase!
Fuck yes!
Riots not diets!!!
Thank you for writing such beautiful honest words and publishing your gorgeous photo. You’re an inspiration to humans everywhere. Thank you for being such a wonderful human being.
Yes Diana or lack there of if that is your choice and/or personal preference. It’s up to you. However small things like shaving body hair, adding tattoos, piercing or not… are part and parcel will loving your bbody. Body hair is adornment. Shaving/waxing/lazering or not has no major health benefits or detriments. You’re not going to have liver failure over shaving or not, but extreme dieting and eating disorders? liver failure, heart failure, hair loss kidney failure are all possibilities.
Love your body hair too?
Oh, don’t cut yourself on that edge. Passive aggressive comments like this get you nowhere.
Thank you so much for this!!!
Thank you!
This is both street smart and inletligent.
Thank you Catherine! That article set me right back where I need to be, in self love. And in awareness of all the women who are gold at the end of the motherfucking rainbow! You must have a blog, add me to your list.
Great article and thank you for expressing your truths. Many women who don’t necessarily fit the mould of picture perfect love the skin their in.
I just fell in love… I’m a mother fucking miracle. Thank you <3
fucking wow. cannot overestimate how much i LOVED this article
This is a wonderful article. Thank you for your honesty and strength.
CATHERINE HERNANDEZ–YOU ARE MY GODDAMN HERO. THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS; FOR WRITING ALLLLL OF THIS. —- —- — FUCK YES.
I needed to hear this so badly – thank you for reminding me.
I’m crying right now. I needed to hear this so much – thank you for reminding me.
I LOVED this read! And beautiful photo. Thank you for publishing this.
Thank you for this. Really, thank you so much ♡
Great picture & great advice. Kudos to Courage:)