A “Day of Remembrance” implies that there is a war. We have a day of remembrance to honour our fallen warriors.
That’s not a divisive or dramatic way of framing Trans existence. That is an accurate and healthy way of framing it if you are Trans; the amount of undeserved hate and violence that gets thrown your way the moment you decide to deviate from the straight agenda needs to be called out and identified for what the fuck it is… a declaration of war.
A global movement to deny us happiness, to erase us from existence. They will do everything in their power to make you feel like your life isn’t worth living and will only pretend to care when you are literally dead. They will refuse to feel even slightly responsible. As if their desire to erase us doesn’t inspire violence. As if their refusal to accept us doesn’t inspire suicide.
That is a really grim intro, but that’s what Trans Day of Remembrance is. That’s the reason for the season. And it continues to be seen as the most important Trans-related date on the calendar so I guess the world is still fuckd up. So I will continue to conduct myself like a warrior.
Here is a poem I wrote on the battlefield:
I did not choose this life, it chose me
I know that cuz I really tried to choose a different life
Turns out living a safe and comfortable lie is worse than a persecuted truth
And yes, those were the only choices
Feels like it was my destiny to never feel accepted
The universe has given me the challenge of having to self actualize and create confidence out of thin air
I’m told that’s what makes me special, that I’ve got some of the strongest lungs out there
I’m an inspiring figure
I inspire people to love themselves or hate me
It’s a curious life being seen as an angel by some and a demon by others
Either way people know they are in the presence of great power
But I didn’t ask for the responsibility that came with it
I didn’t realize that doing what makes me happy makes me a revolutionary
I didn’t sign up for a war
But I also didn’t sign up for a life of cis-hetero servitude
And yes, those were the only choices
Do you know how exhausting it is?
Never being able to appreciate the sunlight cuz you’re constantly walking through everyone’s shade?
Don’t get me wrong, I still catch glimpses and glimmers
I’m learning to appreciate those
But because my palette is so used to the bitter clouds the sunshine still tastes a little sour sometimes
When you’re so used to rejection, acceptance feels like a trap
Compliments can hurt more than insults because it makes me so aware of how much the hate has fuckd me up
That I’m not able to look at myself with the same love and pride that my friends do
That i still carry the burden of other people’s judgments
That people who i dont give a fuck about somehow still have power over me
Last week I had a Mulan moment where I was alone in my room crying at my reflection
Christina wasn’t there tho so I had to do the singing myself
I stared at my reflection until I became at peace with it
I gave every tear I had the space it wanted and danced with my inner demons until I recognized them as the angels that they truly are
Crying is a necessary part of our emotional weather cycle
It is a baptism, It brings you strength
I’m not scared of the rain, I embrace the storm.
Cuz i know my internal sunshine will make rainbows with my tears
And when that storm passes, which it always does
The sky will open up revealing the new heavens I created
I will only ever shed tears that baptise me.
My tears are sacred
I will not waste them on people that waste my time
I will not trade tears with those who cry because I am not the man they wanted me to be.
I will not trade anger with them
I will not trade fear with them
I’m gonna let them feel that all by themselves
I will not reciprocate, cooperate, or conversate with hate that demands that I stay grounded
If I’m not supposed to fly, then why was I born with wings?
Miss u Sasha <3
I will fly with you again one day
Sofia Fly
Sofia Fly is a DJ/Producer/Songwriter from Toronto. Her music features poetic party-girl lyrics set to a Latin inspired fusion of hip-hop and house music. Her DJ sets are complex, genre-hopping, beat puzzles built around her own signature remixes and beats. Her hit single “Patrona” and her newest project “Fly Beats II Virgo Rising” are available to stream on all major music streaming services.